If you claim to be a feminist and you shame girls for wanting to do traditional things like take their husband’s last name or be a house wife then you are doing it all completely wrong.
Feminism isn’t an elite group who defeats gender norms, it’s a group who accepts ALL women’s choices.
…this is well-intentioned, but. No.
Firstly, feminism isn’t a “group”. It’s a movement with a very explicit goal of, if not exactly “defeating gender norms”, something similar like “dismantling existing structures of oppression”. Part of which can include tearing down gender norms.
Secondly, someday the “feminism is about choice!” line will die a fiery death and I will warm my perpetually-cold hands at the bonfire where it happens. Maybe roast some marshmallows and make smores too. If “feminism is about accepting ALL women’s choices”, then feminists must support, for example, female politicians who espouse anti-choice and anti-woman policies, because they are women and they’ve chosen to do so. “Feminism is about choice” is how we get people claiming Sarah Palin should be considered a feminist icon. Feminism is not about accepting all women’s choices on an individual level. It’s about working toward an end of gendered oppression, which will have as a benefit the freedom of women to make choices they currently face hurdles against. That’s the relationship between feminism and women’s choices. Not “feminism is about accepting all women’s choices [regardless of how they interact with oppressive structures both gendered and otherwise and/or how those choices might harm other women].”
Lastly, the thing is, I would never say we should shame girls for choosing to take a man’s last name when they marry or anything. But the problem is, in cases like this, far too often when people say we’re “shaming” someone for something, they include things like “asking them to think critically about their choices and consider the role that cultural norms and social conditioning played in shaping their choices” under the term “shaming”. The easiest example of that is men whining that they’re being shamed for not finding fat girls attractive. No, we’re just saying it’s awfully interesting that your “natural desires” follow our cultural beauty standard almost exactly, and maybe you could consider why that is. Similarly, with girls who want to do things like take their husband’s name, we’re just saying, be aware of the social forces that are influencing your decision and understand that you don’t make that choice in a vacuum.
Which, unfortunately, I have seen all too often derided as “shaming”.