Paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate

[TW: cissexism, body/sexuality-shaming]

sonneillonv:

tempestcaliban:

cranniesinmybrain:

Ummm….unf…

cupcakevandorn:

leahjasmine:

Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it’s really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down. Like this.

The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.

Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts.

Break it down!

BE DOWN

Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.

DON’T SAY HI TO DRY

A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.

Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.

Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.

Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY

Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.

Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.

Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.

When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt.

By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.

Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.

Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

PARTING THE RED SEAS

Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

THE GRAND ENTRANCE

Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

ROCK THE BOAT

Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss.

After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.

Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE

After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.

Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on.

CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER

These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.

As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

CLITS THAT DON’T

Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

THE CONCLUSION

Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.

Hahaha…

 this.

BLESS THIS POST. THIS. IS. THE BEST. GUIDE. EVER.

I liked this post until they talked about how women with sensitive clits suck and need to be dumped. Yeah fuck you

Yup, oral sex hurts me, so I guess I need to be dumped.

Wow.  I was liking it for the first couple paragraphs, but holy shit did that ever descend into FUCK THIS territory right quick.

Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves.

What the fucking FUCK?  Why is sucking dick as a favor okay, but not eating someone out?  DRY HEAVES??  What the fuck is wrong with you?  Not to say that anyone is ever obligated to do anything sexual they’re not feeling into, but why is there this quiet expectation that sometimes you suck cock when you’re not really into it, but OMG eating pussy when you’re not really into it will literally make you dry-heave??  Fucking gross.

Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not.

LOL YOUR BODY-POLICING BULLSHIT.  If you can’t “identify all the parts” because ewww natural body hair! then you really shouldn’t be trying to go down on anyone until you grow the fuck up.  GTFO.  

one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

More body-shaming.  HDU have body parts that don’t conform to this dude’s expectation of how women’s bodies should react to his touch???  Also, some people are just a long-slow-simmer type when it comes to cunnilingus.  And there are ways to work with that and still please your partner without giving yourself “tongue-tendinitis”.  (Alternatively, suck it up, you big baby.  Sometimes sex takes a little effort.  Cope.)

Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag.

After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult.

I have never understood why there’s this whole thing about “zomg the clit is so hard to find!”  What…it’s right fucking there!  What do you need, a flashing neon arrow?  JFC.  Again, if you can’t find it or you’re pouting because it’s so “elusive”, then you shouldn’t be trying to go down on anybody.

Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes.

Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later. 

Is the constant gendering of the clit as male weirding anyone else out or is it just me?  Not as in “the clit is never male!” but as in “your whole article assumes cishet man licking out cishet woman…so why the fuck is HER clit a HIM???”

There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.

Honestly, if you’re going to be like this about your partner’s anatomy, they’re better off without you.  Good riddance, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya).

You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood

Yes, because HIS mood is the one to worry about.  Not, y’know, the person on the receiving end, who by that point is probably either really frustrated or really bored or both.  If you’ve gone half an hour without making your partner orgasm (unless that’s what y’all are into or your partner enjoys the act more than the orgasm), it probably hasn’t exactly been a joyride for them either.

Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds.

You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.

…and that makes all KINDS of assumptions about the value of your mighty cock, bro.  And honestly, if you’re the kind of guy who needs this insulting, weird-ass instruction manual to giving head, I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re not exactly Mr. Porn Star in the thrusting department, either.

F-15 my pasty white ass.  More like one of these: